Blog For Free!
Archives
Home
2006 December
2005 August
2005 June
2005 May
2005 February
2005 January
2004 August
2004 July
2004 June
2004 May
2004 April
2004 March
2004 February
My Links
www.oddtodd.com
www.neopets.com
www.lds.org
www.camouflage-music.com
www.depechemode.com
tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images
Sponsored
Blog
|
| Massive Update.....oh, man..... |
| 12.28.06 (7:22 am) [edit] |
|
Wow, I don't even know where to begin with this edition...Please forgive me if it jumps around and makes no sense. Maybe through some later editing I can get it fixed.
Ok, I guess I am using capital letters again. That may stop. Lemme see. I am back here in Texas in a town not 12 miles from where I was living with my best friend before I left for AZ. I've been here about 6 weeks, and have not called anyone. Not one friend, not one soul. I thought I'd be really excited to see them, but for some reason or another, I just can't bring myself to pick up the phone and call. You see, since being in AZ, I have been diagnosed with many, many health problems, including a few autoimmune disorders - Celiac Sprue, a borderline Lupus diagnosis, and apparently whatever disease Susan has with her ears and balance (dizziness and drunken gait), I am getting, too. (I looked it up and I believe both she and I have AIED- Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease).I am just so ashamed for them to see me like I am now. I realise that pride has always been an issue with me, but I just keep seeing how they would look at the sick me now - the sadness or disgust in their eyes. I don't know. But either today or tomorrow, I am going to try and call Susan, at least. My heart is so empty not being able to see her.
I think the reason I went to Arizona was two-fold. One was to get my medical taken care of (and get my SSI pittance). I never would have been diagnosed with any of my health problems here in TX with the way the Medicaid system is run, nor would I have had the chance to get all the plethora of tests or any of the prescriptions I so desperately needed. And the other reason, well, I suppose it was to get rid of that guy who I was so enamoured of when I went out there, and find true friendship and love elsewhere.
Let me start with the medical, and then I'll get to talking about George (ironically, my boyfriend out there had the selfsame name as my Mom's 'boyfriend'. It was confusing and weird...).
I had the most fabulous doctor in all of the state of Arizona. Not only was he kind, sweet, attentive, and very good-looking, he didn't treat you like you were a hypochondriac. If you stated you had a problem, he'd get you tested right away and get you on a treatment program. By the way, if you are ever in need of a fine medical establishment and the best doctors in the entire state of Arizona, make an appointment with either Dr. Merritt or Dr. Gramstad at the 21st Century Family Medicine clinic in Phoenix, AZ. They have the most wonderful staff there, too. Joy and Cindy are the finest nurses around, and I've known a lot of nurses, so that's saying something. Anyhow, back from the commercial (lol), I had so many blood draws, blood studies, x-rays, MRI's, CAT scans, scopes, etc., I don't know how I survived. I lost 45 pounds (which is good, but the way I lost those pounds was from being sick). But for all that trouble, I now have a list of confirmed diagnoses. Celiac Sprue, a borderline Lupus blood test result (I have to watch this), ulcers, neurogenic bladder, chronic anemia (which at one point in AZ got to a dangerously low level, and I had to get an iron transfusion, which left me in excessive, all-over pain for 5 weeks afterward), probable thrombocytopenia, and get this - Yersinia!!! I have Yersinia bacteria in my gut. Now, if you look this up, Yersinia was what was responsible for the black (bubonic)plague (which ironically, history states broke out on my birthday- Sept. 17th). Now, obviously I pose no health risk to anyone else, and no one else can get this from me. But the very fact that I have it in the form I have it in, would, in the possible event of bio-warfare, make me immune. My G.I. doctor was amazed, as she had never seen anything like that before, and she said it had to be a gift from Allah and that I must have something very important to do since I would survive such a plague. So that was pretty neat. I still have my hiatal hernia, plantar fasciitis, arthritis in my hands, degenerative disc disease in my lowest lumbar and all sacral back bones, I have no cartilage, whatsoever in my knees and am currently taking enough calcium and glucosamine to float a battleship, anxiety/panic disorder(but it's much better now), bipolar disorder, chronic sinusitis, allergies, amenorrhea, dysmenorrhea, and what I believe to be failing hearing, which if that is true, I will jump off the roof. I cannot deal with no sound, no music, no voices (even the ones in my head-lol). But, yeah, that's the basic rundown on what they could find out in AZ. They were going to do a whole diagnistic to look for other autoimmune diseases, but we had to leave before that was possible. Because you see, if you have one autoimmune disease, you're going to get another one...and another one...and so on. It's a given and only a question of time, and that's been one hard pill to swallow. I mean, sheesh! I'm only 32! Feh!
Okie-dokie....now to the subject of "love." I can't remember if it was the first couple of hours or just that evening that I arrived in AZ that George was on my doorstep. I hardly ever saw my Mom (or the other two roommates, one of whom turned out to be a real assh*le and the other just weird). I was always with George that summer. George and his sister and bro-in-law, George with all his family, George with his Mom and Dad. George with his Aunt Terry (who, by the way, I love with all my heart and would gladly take a bullet for. She rocks!) I was quickly inducted into his family and was instructed to call his parents 'Mom,' and 'Dad.' And I just went with it. We all just got along so well. George remarked more than a few times how well I fit in with his family, which made me smile, because I truly, madly, deeply loved each and every member of his family. And it was a change for me to see parents still together and a family who worked together and helped each other and loved each other like that (and not be LDS-lol!) ****OK! Emergency Break! I get to go see my nephews-will finish this later!***
|
|
|
| |
| out of the big, wide blue... |
| 08.02.05 (7:00 pm) [edit] |
man, so much has changed and i don't know where to even begin. my life for the past month has been a huge roller coaster ride, both exhilarating and frightening at the same time.
i am now residing in arizona, having left my beloved texas far behind. i am staying with my mother and her roommates out here, and am going through quite a bit of culture shock. let me start by relating the series of events that brought me out this way.
a day in early july (i forget now the exact date, as i was in so much shock at it happening), my whole world came crumbling down. one day, i was living with susan and waiting for her diagnosis, and the next, she just lost her mind, or so it seemed at the time. we had gone to wal-mart to get her prescriptions filled, and just as we entered the store, she turns around and yells at me that she wants me out of her house forever. i just stood there wondering what the heck i had done, and she turns and walks back to the pharmacy. i went back outside to get in the car, utterly bewildered by her actions and fighting back a torrent of tears. anyway, after she got her medicine, we went home (her aunt was driving, so discussing things was out of the question for the moment), and when we got to the house, she really let me have it (verbally, that is.) she proceeded to tell me that she didn't want me around or need me at all and she told me that i needed to get out as soon as possible because she wasn't going to have her family worry with me and that she may be sick and dying, but she didn't need a babysitter and she just wanted me gone. she told me that my own family needed to take care of me because she wasn't going to do it anymore and that she resented me even being in the same house with her. she said that i had better find some way of getting to someplace to stay, because i didn't have a home there anymore and i needed to go on with my life. and all this time, i'm standing in her doorway just completely confused and speechless. and then she said she didn't even want to look at me and to get out of her sight. so i went and packed a bag with the intention of going back to my old house and staying there until i either had a place to go or until i died, whichever happened first. and there are no utilities on at my old house. it would have been hot and with no plumbing, i was at the very least looking at death by dehydration. but i really didn't care about that at the time.
anyway, after i packed my bag, i told her that i needed to wait for a ride from another friend and then i would leave and that i was sorry for whatever it was that i did to make her hate me with so much venom and i returned to my room. i laid in the darkness crying my eyes out for the better part of an hour before susan appeared in my doorway and was crying, too, and told me what was going on. her aunt had been on her case and had been very worried about her and had decided to take care of her (susan) herself and she kept telling susan that i needed to go on. susan wrestled with telling me for weeks until her aunt gave her an ultimatum--either susan tell me, or she (her aunt) would. and susan apologised for the way she told me about things. she said she was so sick and stressed out and she just lashed out at me because i was there. anyhow, we talked a little bit and smoothed things out for a bit. but the general consensus was that i had to go and i needed to be out as soon as possible.
so i prayed and felt that i was to come out here to live with my mother, which i was not happy about, but when you have no choice really, you take what you get and hush. i asked God that if it was His will for me to be here in arizona to provide a way for me to get here. i felt impressed to talk to my bishop at church about it, and i did so that sunday. it just so happened that he had 3 consecutive days on the 14th, 15th, and 16th of july and that he would be more than happy to move me out here. i was in shock at the coincidence of events, but went home to tell susan not to worry about anything anymore and that i would be gone. i started to pack up my things.
anyway, i guess it was about a week later, susan, her aunt, and i went to her big appointment with the neurologist, where she (susan) was given a bunch of tests and was scheduled for a whole slew more at a later date. i never got to find out the results of those tests, because about a week after that, susan's aunt had pretty much taken over looking after susan and had her at her house, so i didn't even get to talk to her after her big batch of tests. they just came in the house and got the phone and left. so i had a week left there at the house, and there was no internet (susan's aunt had it shut off) and no phone, either. i didn't know how in the world i was going to be able to get finished packing with no way to call anyone for help getting a few more boxes. so i walked up to the payphone (luckily, i had gotten a phonecard in the mail a couple of days earlier) and i called my mother and sister and asked for help.
the very next day, my almost-brother-in-law (my sister's boyfriend/fiancee) showed up and we began moving all my boxes to his storage shed to wait for the 14th when my bishop was going to load up and move me out here. it took us five trips to get everything moved in his car, but we did it. i stayed with them for the last week of my life in texas, which turned out to be a very good thing. i got to spend some time with my sister and nephew (at least for a day). but it was even better that i was there because the very next day after i got there, my brother-in-law, my sister, and my nephew were in a very bad car accident (not their fault-the other car was being driven by a woman who was yelling at her kids and drinking and not paying any mind to what she was doing when she plowed right into my family.) my sister came through it in a bit of shock and scraped up. my nephew was just perfect (a whole-hearted thank you to the evenflo folks for making a damn fine car seat), but my brother-in-law was messed up badly. he was almost pronounced dead at the scene, but he came back. his jaw was broken in two places and his femur and hip were almost shattered. they had to use the jaws of life to get him out of the vehicle. he spent the rest of the time i had left in texas in the hospital, but is recuperating nicely now. my sister was over with him at the hospital most of every day, and i stayed at the house to take care of my nephew. i am so glad i don't have a baby-lol! he was a handful and one day in particular, i thought i was going to lose my mind with him, but all in all, it was a good experience. i miss them so much.
anyway, the trip out here was pretty much uneventful and we got everything moved out here. it's been quite an adjustment for me, not only to have left the one place i can call home in the world (and always will call home), but learning to live with 3 other people is a bit of a challenge, especially since 2 of those folks are men. but it's been pretty good. i've been here since the 15th, and am just now getting my room together. i guess i thought that the longer i delayed getting my stuff put up, i could be in denial about having left texas. i don't know about me sometimes. lol!
anyhow, the gentleman i have referred to in previous posts is living here in phoenix, as well, and he was thrilled to know that i was going to be living just across town from him. things have been moving rather quickly regarding him as well, much to my surprise. i swear, i never see things coming sometimes. i'm such a goofball. anyway, i'll end this blog for now and start a new one with regards to him. it's just funny how sometimes things just come at you right out of the big, wide blue....
current tunes: "i'm going slightly mad" by queen
and
"plowed" by sponge
|
|
|
| |
| finally, a break!! |
| 06.18.05 (8:35 am) [edit] |
it is truly a miracle! i finally got a break! i have been trying for years to get qualified for help with my bipolar illness, and it looks like my prayers have been answered.
last month, i was so down and depressed, i couldn't even think straight. so i prayed and decided to give getting help one last try. i called and got an appointment with the mental help folks, and went in for an evaluation. now, i know this is the digital age or whatever, but they did the evaluation via video feedback from a webcam-type thing on a tv. so, picture it, if you will. i'm going there to get help because i think i'm really losing my marbles, and i have to sit there and talk to a tv screen to a case worker who is an hour away. this is not helping matters for me. after i left, i was really wondering if it was me or the world who was truly nuts. anyhow, the doctor's secretary called back yesterday and told me that i qualified for treatment, and that i had an appointment for the end of this month to come in and set up a care plan and get some help. i cried right there on the phone. i didn't care. i was so happy that someone was actually going to try to help me, and i kept thanking the secretary over and over. she just laughed and said, 'that's ok, honey! you just make your appointment and we'll get you taken care of.' for the first time in so long, i might have seen a small light at the end of my long, darkened tunnel. yes, it's probably a train, but for right now, i'm just gonna go with it.
current tunes: "photographic (rex the dog dub mix)" by depeche mode
and
"isolation" by camouflage
|
|
|
| |
| what do i do...? |
| 06.18.05 (8:22 am) [edit] |
the saga continues for me, i suppose. i am genuinely flummoxed at my situation and i don't know what i should do.
My gentleman friend from arizona and i have been talking daily on the phone (and, no, i am not anxiously awaiting the phone bill-lol). anyway, he has asked me to come out to arizona and spend some time with him next month. i am really frustrated about this for a few reasons. one, this would mean that i would have to leave my friend that i live with, and she is getting sicker by the day. we still have another 3 weeks until she gets her neurologist visit, and thus, a full and comprehensive diagnosis. i would look like such a big jerk if i left her sick like this, and i don't know if i'd be able to even really enjoy myself while i was gone, knowing how sick she really was. two, and this is terribly old-fashioned, but is it really proper for an unmarried woman to go and stay at a man's home and not be at least moderately nervous? i just don't want to do anything foolish or change my friendship in a way that could not be built upon or, conversely, taken back to where we are right now. i'm still struggling with the fact that this whole dating thing has snuck up on me and is kicking me in the head, but i really care about this man. and try as i might to find a reason for us not to be together, i can't find a reason with the exception of my friend here. i guess i just feel torn between loyalties, in a way. i am perfectly happy to stay here and care for my friend until the end, but at the same time, i want more from life. does that make any sense at all? i mean, i'm 30 years old, and i'm not getting any younger. am i ever supposed to have love in my life like what this could possibly be? and, three, there is always the fact that leaving the house is terrifying me beyond words. i mean, going to wal-mart scares the heck out of me, but we're talking about leaving the state- going where i know no one and have no familiarity. and the fact that i still want to go, even given that i'm agoraphobic as all get out, may just prove how truly crazy i am.
i have been talking to God about this quite a bit. i told Him that i only want to do the right thing by Him and to do what He would have me do. i told Him that i have no way to get out to arizona, but that if that's where i was supposed to go, for Him to provide a way. now, you've all heard the phrase, 'be careful what you wish for-you just might get it.' well, the same is true for prayer. i prayed that if i was supposed to be out there that a way would be provided. well, the very next day after this prayer, i got a credit card in the mail, with just enough credit on it for a ticket to get there. now, we are also fixing to be in dire straits money-wise here, so i don't know what i am supposed to use the money for--getting out to arizona, or helping out here. and none of this would be an issue for me, if my 'spiritual antenna' wasn't rather 'bent.' lol! it's just hard for me to see the forest for the trees sometimes. i guess i'll keep praying. maybe God will just hit me over the head with the answer...or at least i hope He will. there's something to be said for obvious-lol!
current tunes: "paper sun" by def leppard
and
"all she wrote" by firehouse
|
|
|
| |
| who are you...? |
| 06.15.05 (7:41 am) [edit] |
ok, now i can't get the theme song from c.s.i. out of my head-lol! i have often wondered about the kind folks who read my blog (or 'stomach it,' anyway). I just wanted to ask if those who read my blog would leave a short description of themselves, or direct me to their blogs. i like to know who all's out there in cyberspace that may stumble across my oft-times wordy blog. i don't have as much time as i'd like to have to be online, but i do make the effort to read some blogs, and i guess i need new material-lol!
so there it is, folks--don't be afraid to post ideas or suggestions, or tell me a little bit about YOU! i'll work on keeping the blog entries shorter. :)
current tunes: "trouble" by pink
and
"don't tell me (what love can do)" by van halen
|
|
|
| |
| i should expect this by now... |
| 06.10.05 (3:58 am) [edit] |
this is so typical for me. if you only knew how pasty i really am....i'm never going to get away from it--lol!
|
You are
|
|
|
|
|
| |
| oh, bloody hell....(long blog) |
| 06.10.05 (3:00 am) [edit] |
ok, i didn't plan on blogging so soon, but i have had the most unreal past few days. and the week isn't even over yet, so i am a tad bit afraid-lol!
it all started tuesday afternoon. i had just laid down to take a nap and catch up on some much-needed sleep (i had only gotten about 4 hours of sleep in the past couple of days). anyhow, the phone rings and i look down and see the number. it's the cell number of the gentleman who i have referred to in my past few blogs who has wanted to pursue some kind of relationship with me. i just groaned and laid my head back down and the phone stopped ringing. but all of a sudden, my eyes popped open and i was instantly awake. (see, he had planned on coming to visit me sometime around now, but i thought that was out of the question, as i had written him over a month ago telling him that it would never work and to move on. and even though i had this crazy thought that he just might show up anyway, i had quickly dismissed that notion, having full confidence in my ability to walk away from anyone and anything.) now, all of a sudden, i had this rush of adrenaline and panic and the phone rang again. it was him calling right back. i answered it, and he was like, "hello, beautiful." i was shaking and my voice showed it-lol! i asked him how he was and told him that i was shocked to be hearing from him. he laughed and asked me if i had looked outside today. i said, no, that it was too bright (as are most days for the nocturnal recluse like me). he then replied that maybe i should look out on the doorstep. i said, 'ok, but if there's a dead body out there, i'm gonna be really upset.' he laughed again, and said that no, there was very much a live person on the doorstep. i told him to hold on a sec, so i could go see what the heck he was talking about. it was the local florist with a beautiful yellow rose arrangement to give me. apparently, she had knocked and i had not heard her, as it is hard to hear the door over the air conditioner. i took the rose and thanked her and, bewilderedly, went back to the phone.
i was in shock, again, because the last time i got flowers, someone had died. i asked him how he knew the lady was there, and he said that he was across the street at the restaurant waiting for me to come see him.
**ok, let me stop the narrative here to explain what was happening to me internally. panic mode had long been surpassed, and i was genuinely in the kill-or-be-killed mode. my guts were wrenching, my skin was freezing, and i was sweating bullets. ever seen the movie, "scanners," where the guy grabs his head and it explodes?! well, that's close to how i was feeling at that moment. anyway, back to the story.**
i told him to give me a couple of minutes to get dressed properly and i'd be right over (i refused to be seen in my pajamas-lol). i'm totally freaking out because not only had i not told my friend that i live with much about him (being as i never thought i'd really meet him- i know- stupid me), but i was completely ill-prepared. as i mentioned in my last blog, i have this huge, ungodly spider bite on my chin, i had not a lick of makeup on, my grey roots are showing because i haven't felt like colouring my hair, and all my nice clothes were dirty. so there i was throwing clothes in and out of my closet trying to find something presentable while trying to hurry and remember to breathe. i figured i had to get over there quick, so maybe he'd leave sooner. i thought to myself, 'ya know? you thought he was crazy for wanting to have a relationship with you, but this is way beyond crazy. this has got to be psychotic."
anyway, i decided on an outfit, spritzed my shaggy hair and set out across the street in what i thought was my worst nightmare. he met me outside the restaurant, grabbed me and hugged me and told me that i was more beautiful than he thought i would be. i nearly passed out. i quickly decided that i needed caffeine, so we went inside the restaurant to get a coke. this is where he tells me his story in the midst of one of my near-panic attacks.
he said that he had been completely torn up by my last letter and just could not go on with his life until he had met me and told me how he really felt. so he decided that he would drive 900 miles in the heat from arizona to texas to give me flowers and hopefully tell me what he was feeling and thinking. he only hoped i would listen to him, regardless of any other reaction i had. he was prepared to drive all this way just to talk to me and leave if i had bade him go. at this point, i was not so much panicked, as i was feeling uber-guilty that he had gone to so much expense to make the trip. (i mean, he also drove over 12 hours to get here, and gasoline ain't cheap.) and i felt even worse that i had made him feel that all this was necessary-that he couldn't just write or tell me on the phone what he was feeling. i am such a jerk sometimes. so he proceeded to take my hands in his and tell me that he loved me. that i was the kind of girl that he had prayed for all his life and that he wasn't prepared to just let me go so easily. he wanted to know what he could do to prove his feelings to me, and i was just stunned. and then, (like the big weenie that i am) i began to cry. i was so not ready for this. i just always thought that something like this would never happen to the likes of me. i couldn't even look him in the eyes. i just sat there and let silent tears stream down my cheeks. then, before i knew it, he wiped my tears away and kissed me...and for some strange reason, i kissed him back.
ok, it wasn't a strange reason. i wanted to kiss him. always have. i just never thought i'd get the opportunity to do so, and my emotions (which were shot at that point) put in some overtime and i was able to do it. i just thought he must not know what he's thinking or feeling or doing to want to be around me. i'm not rich or hollywood-gorgeous. i'm not a modern woman with a career and a nice car and i'm not someone with the most desired family in the world. i'm not even sane, really, and i just wanted to save him so much trouble and heartache. i just want so many good things for him, and i never thought i would be one of those things. but sitting there, looking into his eyes, i felt a peace that i hadn't felt in a long time. and i felt happy. genuinely happy. i had almost forgotten what that felt like.
he said he'd like to spend an evening with me-dinner and maybe go for a walk in the park. i practically begged him for a little time to get ready, and he smiled and said for me to call him on his cell phone when i was done and he'd pick me up. we hugged for what seemed like an eternity, and i went back across the street to tell my friend that i was going to be out for a few hours and get ready.
my friend was extremely sick and didn't even really say much else but, 'ok,' when i told her of my plans, which i was thankful for, in a way. that meant less time i had to waste trying to explain everything. anyhow, i got ready quite quickly, and called him. he arrived right on time, and we went to dinner. i am not big on being in public places-too many people and too much noise and movement make me nervous--extremely nervous. he sat down in the booth right next to me, which is something that also makes me nervous. but something just kept telling me to go with it, so i did. we talked mostly and barely ate. a storm was brewing all this time outside and by the time we were ready to leave, there was humidity, lightning, and rain everywhere. we were under a tornado watch that was to turn into a tornado warning before the evening was out, even though it was just a touchdown and then it went right back up into the clouds. so much for a walk in the park. it was funny because he kept saying, "of all the times i decide to do this, i might not get to say everything i want to and then i'll get sucked up into a tornado and die." it was hilarious. we have weather like this all the time in this season, and it wasn't as bad as it could have been. i was mean, though, and didn't tell him that-it was funny seeing HIM nervous for once. we could barely see to even drive, or we would have driven around and talked. so we decided to go back to his hotel and talk. i wasn't crazy about the idea, and it could have looked really bad to some folks, but, again, that small voice kept saying to just trust him.
we finally got the stupid cardkey thingee to take and got in the room soaking wet and shivering. he grabbed all the towels out of the bathroom and we sat down to talk, looking much like some swami convention with towel-turbans on our heads and towels around our waists. it was really quite funny. anyhow, i shared my scrapbook with him (which he graciously put up with-lol), and we talked into the wee hours of the night, and at one point, we fell asleep in each other's arms on the couch...still dressed in our wet clothes and towels. i think it was the best-spent evening i've had in years.
he brought me home at around 5 in the morning when we woke up (so much for being gone only a few hours). he then returned to his hotel room, but came back to the house here at around noon. now, i don't know if i have mentioned it before, but this house is a 'man-free zone,' as per my friend's aunt's stipulations (and it is her house). so this was completely verboten and taboo. but i was willing to take the heat for it for some reason. anyway, he ended up staying and talking for almost 4 hours before he had to get back to arizona. when he left, he grabbed me and held me and kissed me like nothing i had ever experienced. he said that somehow, everything will all work out for us and that we were meant to be together, because he loved me and he knew i loved him. and the damned thing is this-i really think i do love him, even though i have been telling myself for so long that i wouldn't fall in love-that it was better for me to be alone. i am so confused. i just have no idea where to go from here, and i don't know that i'm brave enough to do any of this. however, it took everything in me not to run after him as he was driving off and ask him to take me with him. but i knew i had to be patient. it's just that one day of him wasn't enough.
we've talked a little every day since then, and i find myself letting go a little more each time, truly appreciating him more and loving him more. i just couldn't believe someone would do all that for me. i mean, is that crazy or what? oh, bloody hell. who cares what it was? it was a gift and a blessing, and this morning, i am ever-grateful. i just hope i can figure all this out soon.....
|
|
|
| |
| So much of nothing.... |
| 06.06.05 (5:05 am) [edit] |
oh, wow. so much has happened, i don't even know where to begin. umm, ok-the house. i got a call last week telling me that some couple wanted to buy my old house so i needed to get the rest of my stuff out of it. ok-this is a good thing. so i'm trying to get a hold of my sister (whose jerky boyfriend has a car) to work out when to go up there and do all that. well, i tell her that the house is being sold on last tuesday and i can't get her the rest of the week. i was not a happy girl. that was rude and immature, not to mention inconsiderate on her part. and stupid. let's not forget stupid. if we don't get the stuff we want out of the house, we aren't going to get it sold and we won't get any money from it. follow the logic? well, evidently, she doesn't. i swear, when she moved back in with our mother a few years back, she just lost her damn mind. she really used to be a smart gal....anyway, then on Saturday, i get another call from the realtor, and she said the couple backed out of the deal on the house, so there wasn't any rush to get our stuff out now. again, i tried to call my sister to no avail. so i have got to figure out how to do all this (and i will have to do it eventually) without her. she is just too darn unreliable.
ok-next problem. my mother (who lives in phoenix) was ecstatic about selling the house, as she really needs the money right now (who doesn't, right?). anyway, as my mother is quite moody, she was suicidal on saturday. she i.m.'ed me for a brief moment to tell me that she was going to kill herself, and then she got offline. so i'm sitting there thinking, 'oh, wonderful.' and then i get the call from the realtor (re: the house not selling) and i call out to phoenix to tell her (as executor, i am duty-bound to do these things, even if it's a bad time). anyhow, no one answers the phone for hours. just the lonely answering machine going on and on about how no one was home. so i'm freaking out for 3 hours until my mother sends me a short i.m. to tell me that she got the message on the phone and to stop calling because she didn't care and was going to be dead and she loves me and goodbye. she does this on a regular basis, however. i am so tired of it. i felt like telling her to just do it or shut up. i know that sounds awful to do to one's own mother, but i can't stand it anymore. i'm not in such great shape mentally myself, and all i need is for just ONE more thing to go wrong, and you'll be seeing the news report about some red-headed white chick with a gun shooting from the belltower at the university of texas shouting something about it all being her mother's fault-lol! j/k (they don't even allow you up on the observation deck of the belltower anymore-damn charles whitman, anyway) :P
and moving right along....my friend that i live with has been sick for over a month now. she went for an mri last week. (lots of stuff happened last week, hmm.) anyway, she has tentatively been diagnosed with rapidly-progressing multiple sclerosis. she goes to see a neurologist in july (that's the earliest that dr. could get her in) to either have it confirmed or be told she has something worse. this explains a lot of her problems, but not nearly all. for one thing, she has never had any kind of muscle pain/weakness/or loss of feeling. just the intense vertigo and resultant nausea. and it doesn't explain her ear pain or temporary, intermittant deafness. she came out of the doctor's office, and her aunt asked her what her diagnosis was. she told her and her aunt looked shocked and asked what that meant. my friend told her that it meant she was going to die, but not today, and then asked her to drive us to get a coke-lol! at least she's taking it well. :P
and then....my friend from church is getting a divorce. evidently their relationship wasn't even as good as i thought (and i didn't think it was going great at all). he's leaving her (after more than 10 years and 3 kids later) for some young piece of tail he met at his job. apparently, he's been seeing this other woman for over a year and just never got caught. my friend has been in nursing school, and on the night of her graduation (right before she went up onstage to get her diploma) her husband told her that he was leaving and that he would have left her a year before if she had only had her license then. what a schmuck! i just never thought he was that kind of guy. i mean, not only did he give up a stellar woman (and three amazing kids), but he gave up his faith to be with this other woman, too, as she said he was stupid for going to church and she didn't care if he went to church or not. i guess it all just sounded much easier for him, so he took his exit. it's just depressing, really. my friend is doing great, though. she already has a steady job and is going to california today to see her brother and go to disneyland. lol! she doesn't really seem that upset. most people, when they get a divorce, go hunting for an apartment or a job, but not my rhonda! she's going to disneyland! i just love her! :P
and last but not least....it's the most unbelievable thing (note heavy sarcasm here). i got another, yes, another, spider bite. only this time, it's on my face (my chin). it smarts like the dickens and looks like leprosy. it's awful and it's big. i don't know what to do. eventually, one of these things is gonna kill me. i guess folks can just call me 'spiderwoman.'
ok-that's it for now. please forgive my language in this post. it's not as bad as the language i've been thinking, though. i've really got to work on that. i'll write when there's more to bore people with. :P
current tunes: "excitable" by def leppard
and
"black roses" by blutengel (which i found whilst browsing some online songs and it truly kicks posterior)
|
|
|
| |
| spiders and such... |
| 05.16.05 (12:41 am) [edit] |
ok, there is a big, black, hairy spider on the wall behind the computer. he's one of those spiders who doesn't crawl exactly-he kind of jerks along when he moves. i mean, one second he is in one spot and the next, he is in quite another place. i hate that. and i know he's looking at me thinking, 'hmm...i bet she would just LOVE for me to go over there and bite her. lots of my little cousins have bitten her, and she hasn't been bitten in a good few months, so maybe i oughta venture over there...' oh, crap...just a second. i think he IS coming over here....
dangit! i tried to swat him with a magazine, and i missed (as usual) and now he is on the floor somewhere and i bet he is not a happy arachnid. i'll just have to type fast...
ok, so the guy i wrote about in an earlier blog (the one who wanted to take our relationship to the "next level" and whom i summarily stopped speaking with) has been in contact again. actually, he has been writing me for the past couple of months, saying that he knows that he wants to be with me and that i am the one for him. ok. activate panic mode now. i thought the whole situation with him was over with. evidently, i was wrong. i cannot adequately explain how bewildered i was to receive an email from him in the first place (after no contact for so long), and maybe i was stupid for writing him back. (i DID want to know how he had been, though.) he has been going through some pretty big life changes lately, and i guess he wanted them all to happen at the same time. he is leaving his job in a couple of weeks, looking to move, and apparently wants to start a lifelong relationship at the same time. i told him that was nuts, but to no avail. i must say that he is a very fine man. a gentleman and quite a catch. but i don't think this is the right time for him to be looking to adding someone to his life due to all his other changes. of course, i am not God, and cannot possibly know what all is best for him, but statistically speaking, he should wait awhile, and give his life a chance to settle down a bit before HE settles down. and he should wait for someone else. Lord knows, i could never be "the one" for anyone, and on the off-chance that i were, i would be doubly frightened. so anyway, i told him now is not the time for either of us to be getting into a relationship, and that when his life calms down and he is back in a schedule of some sort, to let me hear from him. i told him that he needs time to get everything figured out and know which direction his life is going before he drags someone along for the ride. and maybe that sounded awfully bitchy. i don't know. and here i am again, running away from the possibility of commitment. in retrospect, i never should have written him back, but the fact remains that i did. i can't say that i'm completely sorry about emailing him again. it was nice to hear from him, but as for any future relationship with him, or anyone else for that matter, i had to decline. maybe one day i'll figure out what the heck is the matter with me and why i am so 'anti-relationship.' but, it's better for me to back off before the relationship gets going, than to wait until 4 days before the wedding and run, eh? ;)
current tunes: "run, run away" by slade
and
"runaway" by bon jovi
|
|
|
| |
| run away, little girl, run away |
| 05.16.05 (12:14 am) [edit] |
ok, so i'm sure the whole 'runaway bride' story has probably been blogged to death, but i just had to put my own two cents in here for future reference. she has been called, 'selfish,' 'stupid,' 'criminal,' and much worse by folks i know, as well as the media. now, provided she didn't run off to be with some guy somewhere, i KNOW why she ran, and i can't say as i blame her. there isn't a word to describe the feeling that comes over someone when faced with a situation like this (a life-changing event). there isn't a clinical psychological term for the state of mind one gets into when they are thinking of running. and no, it isn't cowardice. it's more like, 'self-preservation,' but that still doesn't quite cover it. it's almost impossible to explain to someone who hasn't felt the same feeling before, so maybe i'm just spouting a new religion here and no one will understand. i am not saying she was right in what she did. i do think she was very wrong in one aspect. she should have left a note. to put your family through what hers (and her fiancee's) went through is sadistic. but in her state of mind, i cannot honestly say that she was thinking straight about anything. and to be honest, i don't care one whit whether she has done this runaway act before, or whether she had some brushes with the law before (everyone has made mistakes), or whether she voted for ziggy stardust for her senior class president (ok-that last part was me-sorry). she is just a girl who should have gotten help a long time ago, and who has had to go through years of this messed up thinking to get it. and i hope she does get the help she needs and is able to come to terms with whatever is plaguing her mind and heart and marry that guy of hers. some of us should be so lucky.
current tunes: "wicked game (white label mix)" by chris isaak
and
"hello" by the beloved
|
|
|
| |
| the day has finally come... |
| 02.24.05 (3:34 am) [edit] |
yes, the day i have both been looking forward to and dreading has finally happened...my sister had her baby last night and i am an aunt. the baby's name was carl thomas, named after the father's deceased dad and our grampa. he was born about 10:18 p.m., has dirty blonde hair and blue eyes, weighing about 7 lbs 14 oz. I didn't hear how long he was, but i am sure he was at least 18 or 19 inches long--we were all long when we were born. i am not going to call the baby 'carl', however. i don't like the name, and if he uses it in school, he's going to get beat up a lot (especially if he goes to school around here). i figure i'm going to call him 'tommy-boy' or 'carlito.' i can do that, as i'm just the crazy, fun-loving, ever-single auntie. i have never been so worried about a kid in my life, though. my sister can barely take care of herself, much less a kid, and she's not in the best situation with her boyfriend right now. he's an ex-con who is rough with her, to say the least, and he's such an idiot, intellect-wise. he won't hold down a job and hates it when my sister even talks to my mother or me on the phone. i just get nothing but bad vibes from him. so i am extremely worried about the future of my nephew. i am so glad i don't have any children, though. i wouldn't want them to be like me. but i do so want to see this baby...i'm going to try to get over to see my sister and nephew sometime today or tomorrow. i just pray the world holds out long enough for him to really enjoy it. he deserves that much....man, i feel so old.
current tunes: none, as i am too worried to listen to music right now
|
|
|
| |
| spooked....again |
| 01.16.05 (10:27 pm) [edit] |
ok, so i'm watching, "silence of the lambs," again. i've seen it, like, 100 times, but i still watch it whenever it comes on tv (and sometimes just for the heck of it, as i do so love anthony hopkins.) let me begin by saying that there are few things in this world that genuinely make me all ooey-gooey-grossed out, but this movie contains one of those few things. it's not the decedent's body, nor is it the 'woman-suit,' and it's not even the creepy push-your-thingee-between -your-legs-and-dance-like -a-pretty-girl dance. it's the voice of 'buffalo bill.' now, i own the dvd of the movie, and there is an interview of ted levine talking about his experiences playing that particular role, and his voice is just fine. but the voice he affects for his character just completely creeps me out. badly. every time i hear it, i just cringe and curl up in a little ball and almost cry out, "i want my mommy!" (just like 'catherine martin' when she was trapped down in the well thing.) and maybe it wasn't just the fact that she knew where she was and exactly who it was that had her and what was most likely going to happen to her that scared her the most. i'm not sure it was the yucky scraps that were fed to her or the fact that she was hosed down with freezing water when she refused to soften her skin up with the expensive european skin lotion. i think she was most traumatised by the voice 'buffalo bill' used to speak to her and threaten her. yep. that's what i think it was. truly....
and now, he's talking and threatening to give her the hose and i am almost in tears just listening to it, so i will now go and curl up in a ball, grab my security blankie, and suck my thumb while wishing more than anything my mommy was here to protect me.....
current tunes: none, as i am watching a movie
|
|
|
| |
| ice fetish.....and chapstick addictions |
| 01.16.05 (1:47 am) [edit] |
ok, this is such a goofy subject, but i said in an earlier post about writing about something in a spirit of joy and gratitude. so here it is:
i have a serious ice fetish. i love to eat ice. i'll have ice from morning till bedtime and never get bored. i just hope my teeth hold out till i'm old, because i'll go nuts if i can't eat ice one day. i like the small cubes that are easy to chew. if anyone has ever been to a sonic drive-in, they know the kind of ice i am talking about. it's small, kinda soft and crunches up quite nicely. absolutely divine!
and while i am confessing addictions, i must say this:
my name is knobbyritzer, and i am a chap-stick-aholic. (waits for shouts of 'welcome!' and clapping from the audience).... ok, i have been addicted to chap stick (and its various cousins) since i was 3 years old. i have done some research on this, and apparently i was obsessive-compulsive as a child. i was (big, deep breath) a lip-licker. yes, that's right. my lips were always chapped, so i would lick my lips, not knowing that by doing so i was perpetuating the dryness cycle and making it worse. i remember having a huge red chafy circle all around my mouth as a kid, and then, my grama (God rest her soul) showed me the light. (insert angels singing the 'hallelujah chorus' here) she handed me my first little yellow and white pot of carmex. it was like heaven to me. it was so soothing and healing and convenient, to boot. i just couldn't get enough of the stuff. after my little 3 year old mouth was better, i branched out into all manner of waxy, anti-chappy stuff for my lips. i had over 50 chap sticks at once one time in my life. (sidenote: never cared for the mint kind) and i've had at least one on my person (or very nearly so) ever since. i would guess that i've contributed many thousands of dollars to the chap stick industry over the years. they should have a frequent-chapper program, or something. for all i've given them, it would only be the nice thing to do to have some kind of rewards program for those truly dedicated souls who keep money in their pockets and products on their conveyor belts in demand. i've often wondered what makes them so addictive, like maybe they put some version of crack in them to keep you addicted or something. but whatever it is, it's working. and it's an addiction i suspect will last a lifetime. i can't wait until i win the lottery and can buy chap stick by the caseload. that would be the crowning achievement of my life and i would be forever known as The Chap Stick Lady! (i wonder if they'd put that on my tombstone...) :D
current tunes: "perfect (huntemann and bodzin mix)" by camouflage
and
"hold back the rain" by duran duran
|
|
|
| |
| gadzooks! |
| 01.16.05 (1:25 am) [edit] |
man...it just really hit me that in about a month, i'm gonna be an aunt! my kid sister is having a baby boy on the 24th of next month. i guess it was going to happen eventually, but when the heck did we get old enough to be having kids?! ok, ok. i know i'm 30 now, and my kid sister is 20, but i still don't feel old enough to be having anything remotely resembling a family. i don't know how she's going to handle any of it. she can't even take care of herself. seriously. and her boyfriend is such a moron. mind you, i don't say that just because i don't like him. i've never met him, but i have noticed how he acts when my sister is on the phone with me, and he is such a jerk. he'll call her names, take the phone away from her, and generally pester her until she has to hang up the phone. he acts like a 2 year old child who can't get enough attention, and some of his behaviour borders on abusive. my sister has talked about leaving him, but i don't see her actually doing it. and now that there's a baby in the picture, she'll be tied to him forever in one way or another, even if she does leave him. and that thought scares me. maybe that's one reason i won't get married and have a family. it's just a series of restraints that seem to tie you down. now don't get me wrong. i completely admire people for having the guts to tie the knot and have rugrats running around all over the place. i do. i guess i'm just not that brave. the whole idea of commitment of any kind scares me to death. it's like you make one decision and then your whole life is just laid out for you and you have no options left. you're stuck in this one role forever. yeah, you can still grow and change, etc. but you're still in that one role. i guess this all sounds so selfish, but i prefer to call it, "self-preserving," because no one else is going to give a damn about you for long, so you have to take care of yourself. i've talked before about just walking away from things. leave or be left-that's what i've learned. it's better in the long run. i just wish my sister had learned that. now, she's going to be a mom...forever. i realize it sounds like i'm not happy or excited for the baby to be here. i think it might be nice to have some new blood in the family, actually. and a boy, too. our family never had any boys. my grandparents adopted 2 girls, and my mom had 3 girls. so a boy might be nice. i just hope he's healthy and doesn't get any of the crazy genes that run in our family (or any of the stupid genes that apparently run rampant in his father's family.) the kid's going to be up against a whole heckuva lot more crap starting out in his life than we ever had to put up with, and the world isn't getting any better. i guess i'm just scared for him...and for my sister. but on the up side, i'll get to be the cool, free-spirited aunt who he'll get to have fun with and be spoiled by before i hand him back to my sister to live a disciplined orderly life. so it may not be so bad.....i just wish it had been different for him...
current tunes: "love is a shield (william orbit dub mix)" by camouflage
and
"river" by jia peng fang
|
|
|
| |
| 'bout bloody time... |
| 01.08.05 (10:58 pm) [edit] |
ok, so i really felt like blogging last night. i was just full of insight and introspection. so i tried to log onto tblog and....nothing. nothing at all. my browsers wouldn't even go to the sign-in page. i hate it when it does that. but the moment passed and all the good stuff i thought of just went right out the window.
lately, i've just felt like running off somewhere. just walking out and walking away. i'm just feeling so dried up, tied up, and dead to the world, as the song goes. i think i am just becoming a burden to my cousin, and that i am not doing her much good. there is a tension building lately in this house. i think she's just grown tired of me, or just plain resents me for something that i know nothing about. i feel like nothing i do is good enough. i am not good enough. i have failed again. and this time, i have nowhere else to go. this was my last place of sanctuary. so i am looking at becoming homeless, or worse... i've just done all i know how to do. there is no place for someone like me in this world. so i guess i just need to figure out where to roam and how to get there.
The realtor lady called the other day and told me that a few people have looked at my old house and may want to buy if i would be willing to negotiate on the price a bit. i don't really care about lowering the price on it, i just want to get out from under the whole obligation of dealing with it. there are still a lot of things in the house that need to be moved and it needs to be cleaned out well, which is a lot of work. work that my cousin and i have been doing by ourselves for no pay. and since my cousin is getting progressively sicker and less able to do things, she has been reluctant to even discuss finishing the house. of the few times i have brought it up, she clams up or leaves the room. i know she doesn't want to clean it out any more or do any more work to it, but she's never been like this about it--so abrupt and closed off to talking about it. if i actually get the house sold, she knows i would pay her for all her work and input. she knows she is going to benefit from the sale of it. it's just now when there may be a conceivable end to all this mess, she won't even talk about it. oh, how i would love to be able to read her mind. and all of this is just adding to the tension in the house. i don't know if she is afraid i will leave or is hoping that i will. maybe both. i just have to finish this estate sale of the house. it's been in the works for over a year now, and would be a tremendous load off my back and mind. i need to finish this. i have to be able to sever the ties of my past by getting rid of it. my old life is just dead and i have no ties to anything anymore...except the house. it once cradled me, saw me grow up, saw me cry, saw me gradually losing my sanity, saw me honouring promises made in sincerity, and finally, it saw me leave forever, never to return to live and breathe in it again. and as much as it hurts me to leave it behind, the time has come to do just that--leave it. and it would be nice if i could celebrate that moving on with someone. but i guess celebrations are only for others, not for me. ya can't win for losing, i suppose...
anyway, i know this is yet another depressing blog. i promise my next will be better. there has to be something in this world worth writing about in a spirit of joy. and when i find out what that is, i will definitely expound on it. for now, i think i'll go make me some ramen noodles and maybe watch a movie.
current tunes: "harmful" by camouflage
and
"images of heaven" by peter godwin
|
|
|
| |
| back for more.... |
| 01.03.05 (1:31 am) [edit] |
ok-so 2 blogs in one day isn't really normal for me, but we had a thunderstorm roll in while i was finishing my earlier post, and i had to get off the computer because the lightning was just unreal. it was one of those weird storms we actually get in cold weather. it was bright and loud and it dumped at least a couple of inches on the ground outside. it was rather unsettling...there was no warning--it was just boom! flash! and then it rained and rained. i love the weather here, though. i wouldn't want to live anywhere else.
i got an email earlier today from an old friend, and it dawned on me that i'll never see him again. i haven't seen him in almost 10 years now, but i got the distinct impression that i'll never see him again. i get flashes of insight like that sometimes. i already miss him, and i guess i always will. there's a poem or something that goes like, 'some people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.' with my friend, i guess it was both for a reason and a season. i hate temporary stuff like that. mainly because when i actually let my guard down and care for someone, i don't plan on it ending. mea culpa, i guess. i just hate letting go of the few people or things i love. and it just backs up some of my thinking lately.
now, my thinking is not always rational to the average joe, but i have come to a few conclusions. i think i've actually made up my mind not to love anyone else (anyone new) in my life. whether as a friend or anything else. it's better for me to just love who i have left as much as i can while i can. everyone and everything leaves. they are all temporary, anyway, much as i am. nothing lasts forever in this life or in this world. to love anyone else would be emotional and mental suicide. and i am sick of death. someone once said that the very minute you are born, you start to die. no truer words were ever spoken. sometimes it seems that that's all this life is--death. everything and everyone takes a piece of you with them until there's nothing left of you to salvage. and that's where i am.
but then some people are just better off alone. almost everyone knows someone that is always alone, and they couldn't picture them any differently. we all come into this life with a mission, so to speak. and some people are richly blessed to have to have many friends and a family who loves them. and then there are people like me. people who are just destined to lose everything and brave it all alone. again, it sucks to realise that you're one of those people. and then, if you're really lucky, you have an ever-encompassing feeling of emptiness that pervades and colours all your thoughts and feelings. sometimes i think that maybe God has forgotten me. not forgotten about me. just maybe forgotten to take me Home, too. who knows? i guess i just never appreciated what i had when i had it--never loved people enough or did enough for those i loved. i could beat myself up about it forever, but what's done is done. i am thankful for the adventures (and misadventures) i had in my life. and i am so grateful for the time i had with those i loved. it just doesn't really matter in the long run how good of a job you do or how much you love or how much you do for others. it's all going to go away anyway, and at the end of the day when you lay down your head to sleep, you're all alone with you.
so that's it for the rest of my days, i suppose. i'll do what i can for those few people i have left. i'll help them until they are gone, too. and however this world ends up is inconsequential. i'll still be me and i'll still feel the way i do. it doesn't really give one a lot to look forward to, though....
current tunes: "control" by puddle of mudd
and
"twice as hard" by the black crowes
|
|
|
| |
| I'm Baaack (for now) |
| 01.02.05 (7:00 pm) [edit] |
ok. so it's been a really long time since i posted. i've been in a really bad depression for the last few months. not that i'm a lot better now, but i missed journaling. so here i am.
my beloved dog died in november. she had been sick for a couple of weeks and just couldn't hold on anymore. this house (and my heart) have been so empty without her. she was all i really had that tied me to my old life, and it's been so awkward and surreal ever since. she was my reason for going on and she kept me grounded when my mind was flying all over the place. she was the closest thing to an actual child i am likely to have (or perhaps should have.) the nights are really long and the bed is really cold without her. i will forever miss her....
my ups and downs have been so wild the past few months, and they show no sign of getting better. i finally got in to see a doctor, but she was a g.p. and wasn't comfortable treating me for psychiatric conditions, so she wouldn't help me. but i did get some singulair, which was a good thing. so now i can breathe when i am losing my mind. i just feel like giving up, man. no matter how hard i try, i just can't get any help. i try and pray, try and pray, and...nothing. i've always read stories about people who just fall through the cracks in society. it's just really hit home that i am one of those people. it's such a strange feeling...to realize that you're practically a statistic. hmm. who knew i'd turn out like this? and what would i have done if i did know i'd be like this? there's not a lot one can do to fight genetics, really....
i've had the most awful dreams lately. and i should say that they are all variations of the same dream. the same funeral home, the same coffin, the same dead people...i'm trying my hardest to make sense of them. I haven't watched anything dealing with death lately, nor have i read anything that would lead to anything like this. and the dreams are so vivid. i can smell the air, feel the light and darkness and cold on my skin...i haven't slept much in the past few nights because every time i shut my eyes, i see the same images. don't really know what's up with that....i just wish it'd go away.
anyhow, this blog is getting lengthy, so i'll post it and write another.
current tunes: "behind blue eyes" by limp bizkit
and
"caught in the sun" by course of nature
|
|
|
| |
| the downward spiral... |
| 08.29.04 (6:10 pm) [edit] |
what a crappy day! i woke up too early and stayed up too long. i had this massive panic attack in church and had to have a lady drive me home. i was so embarrassed. i don't know how i can ever show my face there again, even though only a couple of people saw me. it took me over an hour to calm down once i got home. but calm down, i did. had computer problems, fixed them. i was kind of imposed upon to do some c.e.u.'s for a nurse friend of mine, which she has to have done soon, or she cannot get her license renewed, and therefore will lose her livlihood. she never even offered to pay me for doing her work for her, and that's even IF i pass. i am not a nurse, even though i know a lot about it. i have done one or two for her in the past and the lowest score she ever got was an 80. i am just starting to feel really used. and my whole birthday-depression thing is REALLY starting to hit home and hurt like the dickens. i just wanna crawl in a dark hole and die. i just feel that there has to be more to life than this, because if there isn't, i want off this ride immediately. if this is the only life i am to have, then i don't want it. i try to be good and do good things, and it helps for a little bit. as for the long run, those things just, well, fade away and all i have left is myself. i have been going crazy lately trying to fill my time with projects to keep my mind occupied...i have made a wall hanging, got half-way done with ANOTHER seasonal wall hanging (this one for my mother), beadwork, making patterns, making scrub tops for my cousin, designing Christmas presents that i'll eventually have to make, writing (and adapting) scripts for a church skit, planning church events (which i totally suck at and will most likely never attend, anyway), and doing a spot of housework in between. and i have just been so darn tired! i am starting to think it's more than just depression-induced lethargy, because i have been hurting in my muscles and joints. but most of all, my soul is tired. just wrung out...that's how my spirit feels. and after the big 3-0 next month, it's all downhill from there. i just want to feel alive again. the thing is, i just don't know how anymore. i am a living, breathing human being who has forgotten how to live. but my heart keeps beating and my brain keeps running a thousand miles an hour.....i may never know why......being bipolar truly sucks.
current tunes: "art deco halos" by p.m. dawn
and
"dead man's party" by oingo boingo
|
|
|
| |
| why can't i figure this whole thing out?! |
| 08.25.04 (1:23 am) [edit] |
ok-i realize i haven't posted in a while, but i have been doing some heavy thinking, which is usually not a good thing for me. but i have been trying to figure the whole relationship/dating thing out, and to be honest, none of it makes much sense. it truly just doesn't. i met a guy who i think i might be willing to have some kind of relationship with. he's handsome, intelligent, stable, funny, and understanding (and for once, he isn't gay.) there are a few faith-based differences, but nothing so different from some of my friends. i am a very accepting person of other's differences. he does live far away, however, and i am not really hep to the idea of moving, although i would if the situation were right. i just got totally freaked out and decided to 'nip it in the bud,' as red foxx used to say. i have made a few mental notes about the situation. number one, commitment scares the hell out of me. two, i honestly don't think i could be the kind of lady this guy needed. and three, after all the talking we had done, i just couldn't bring myself to 'take it to the next level.' and then i thought, hey, what the heck does that mean, anyway? "the next level"? and even if i really wanted it to go there, how the heck do you make the transition? i don't believe it "just happens." i am quite confused. i think somewhere back in the recesses of my psyche, something just stopped...like arrested development, or something. i mean, i want the whole husband and family thing. i really do. but the whole process of getting those things makes me physically ill--like, my vision goes all wonky and things are blurred and wavy, and my stomach begins to lurch and i get all nauseous at the mere thought of commitment, and i start shaking and i just want to run, run, RUN!!! i'm gonna be 30 next month. 30!!! and i'm still this messed up? i know i've made a lot of progress from how i used to be. i really have. i just hate myself for not being able to deal with this relationship crap. i never have. i have always walked out of everything, even when things were going fine, because i knew sooner or later, the bottom would fall out and someone would get hurt. it was the same with everything in my life, school, jobs, most friendships, and even in some cases, family members. i don't know why i keep doing this. it's gone on too long to just be self-preservation techniques. i think my soul is just longing for what it can never be--stable, healthy, and happy. i think that if there were previous lives, i would have been a hermit-philosopher living in a cave in the mountains. all alone in solitude except for the sporadic visitor who came to seek help of some kind. i am just horribly discouraged by it all--discouraged by my reactions, my patterns, and myself. i think i'll go and take another nap....
current tunes: "in your ivory tower"--by camouflage
and
"black cloud rain" by corey hart
|
|
|
| |
| dizzy.... |
| 08.03.04 (2:49 am) [edit] |
i think sometimes i am susceptible to the conditions of others. i remember when my friend, connie, was pregnant, i totally had a sympathetic pregnancy with her, although i have never been pregnant. we both had the cravings, both got morning sickness, both of our ankles swelled up to the size of submarines, and i don't even want to mention the birth pains. it was so scary for me! of course, i imagine it was for her, too. lol!
but tonight i am so dizzy. the cousin i am living with has meniere's disease, which is an inner-ear disorder that severely affects balance and depth perception at times. riding in the van with her driving is quite an experience! :shock: i almost fell down trying to get to the computer just now, and i have been topsy-turvy all night. she must be getting sick at work. i hope she makes it home alright...
ok-all i have done today is some laundry and some dishes and taken the dog out, which was tons o' fun stumbling around in the dark. i think i scared my poor dog. she doesn't seem to need to go out anymore-lol! so i am going to hit the bed and try to sleep.
current tunes: "shout"--depeche mode
and
"i cast a lonesome shadow (dm707's reinterpretation mix)"--martin l. gore
|
|
|
| |
| i love these silly quizzes! |
| 08.02.04 (10:33 pm) [edit] |
this was actually pretty accurate-especially the weakness for cheese! lol! :)
|
|
|
| |
| they're gone!!!! |
| 07.31.04 (7:54 pm) [edit] |
woo hoo!!!! the ducks are finally gone! it was a good thing, too, because i was starting to actually like them, but i know we couldn't possibly keep even one here in this house. it was an experience i will never forget, and i can now go back to being almost normal.
we have been running on no sleep and have been sick for the past week. i have never been so tired of sleeping. i can hardly even lay down anymore because i am sore from sleeping. it's nuts. anyhow, my cousin's aunt tells us yesterday (when she was getting the ducks) that she and another cousin were going to come over and eat the next day (which would have been today) and they wanted homemade bread, too. we were just flabbergasted. so we grumbled and pulled it off. we started the bread at about 6 this morning. now, our recipe makes 5 or 6 loaves of bread. it cannot be cut down/divided, or the bread won't make. so we made 6 loaves of bread this morning, followed by a really nice herbed chicken, some broccoli-cheese rice, some broccoli-chicken noodles (as the extra cousin could not eat rice for health reasons), and a yellow layer cake with homemade chocolate frosting. the whole house was an oven, as it was almost a hundred degrees outside and the a/c only really cools half the house. we were exhausted and the kitchen was a mess. but we got it cleaned up in time to set the table and get everything heated up to eat, when my cousin's aunt shows up and is surprised because we made them food. she said she had only been joking about us making them dinner-that all they really wanted was the bread. at this point, i was too tired and hot to be mad. but we told them that if they wanted to joke about a meal, then they were going to help us eat this one. and they did. and i tell you today-they were very full and sleepy when they left! lol! anyhow, after being up all day, my cousin had to go to work at the hospital (a 12-hour shift) so i imagine she's going to be extra tired and cranky in the morning. i just hope she doesn't have a relapse and gets sick again. :(
i talked to my mother and heard a lot of very disparaging things about the goings-on in her life, and also in the life of my sister. i never thought that even they would let their lives get so bad. some of it is just disgusting. and i cannot do anything to help them. not that i wouldn't, i just can't right now, and that is really hurting me. letting someone keep making the same stupid mistakes over and over is so heart-breaking. i just hope they pull out of their messes before it's too late.
ok-i'll blog more in a bit. i have to think and pray for awhile....
current tunes:
"space age love song"-flock of seagulls
and
"swang"-the human league
|
|
|
| |
| just plain ducky...... |
| 07.28.04 (12:49 pm) [edit] |
ok-my latest reason for losing the remainder of my sanity--ducks! my cousin's aunt brought over 10, yes, 10, baby ducks for us to watch for a "few days" while she had to go somewhere. now, just because i am from texas farming country does not mean that i know the first thing about any type of farming implements, country music, or, in this case, barnyard animals. i had never even seen a duckling up close before this, and they are driving me all mental! :shock:
we've had them here for 2 days now, so i basically got the feeding and watering and changing their box things down, but i don't know how much longer i can deal with them. i will say this: they do not, as of yet, quack-they only sort of chirp-which is good because if they were any louder, i'd probably strangle them. i already have a dog and i have to take care of a household-this is plenty of responsibility for someone like me. i know that ducklings are cute and all, but they are way overrated, as are most little things. i did kind of mess up-i named a couple of them, so now they're, like, personalized and stuff. so now i feel this tremendous obligation to make sure that nothing goes wrong with them. and i'm scared like i can't tell you that something might happen to one of them. i don't have what you would call 'good luck' in taking care of other living things-i even kill all plants that i so much as brush by. seriously. this has always happened without fail. and with the glorious exception of my dog and a handful of people, living things just die around me. i am the bringer of black death to carbon-based organisms.
but i digress, i have to go change the ducky box here in a few minutes. and all that noise, noise, noise!!!! :x arrrgh!! i hope my head doesn't explode.......i'd just have to clean that up, too.
current tunes: "soul city" by the partland brothers
and
" the bookhouse boys" by angelo
badalamenti from the "twin peaks" ost
|
|
|
| |
| never again, dagnabit! |
| 07.22.04 (7:55 pm) [edit] |
never again! i am so sick of the stupid fuse blowing out on the breaker box! i am never doing laundry again!!! aarrrggghhh! it has thrown the switch 8 times in the last hour alone, and it's almost 11 at night, so i know that no one else is using that much electricity. the only problem is that when it goes out, so does all the electricity on that half of the house, which includes the refrigerator. i am so tired and want to take a nap, and it would be one thing if the clothes dryer just turned off and the clothes didn't dry, but everything in the icebox would melt, as well. i know, i know-this is all trivial. but i am just trying to do the right thing and keep the house clean, and what do i get? grief and more grief. feh!
who-o-o-o-o! ok-i'm calmed down a bit. just reset the breaker thingee again. scratched my arm on the door coming back into the house. just happened to scratch my arm on the same place i got bit by a spider on yesterday. yes, another spider bite. it hurts so bad and is all red and hot and huge. and there i go, ms. graceful, and practically take the hide off my arm in my haste. i really need a nap. :)
i have decided to start a new blog thing-i am going to list what music i am currently listening to at the end of each blog. and i was thinking about a coupla other things to list, too, but i haven't got my mind made up on just what yet.
no way......(listens).....aww, man!! i gotta go fix the breaker again! i really need to marry an electrician!! (and a mechanic, and a doctor, and a lawyer, and a carpenter, and a plumber, and......) :P
current tunes: "worry about you"--ivy
--and--
"je suis le dieu"--camouflage
|
|
|
| |
| this is soooo not funny..... |
| 07.08.04 (10:02 pm) [edit] |
actually, i'm gonna see if this works--
| "ACHTUNG! | | knobbyritzer may actually be a spider-human hybrid |
From Go-Quiz.com
this is my warning label, and it couldn't be more appropos. spiders seem to have quite a "thing" for me. i have been bitten more than 20 times by spiders in the past 3 years, and, regardless of what i am doing or where i am (in anybody's house or even car, yes, car!) they find me. they don't always bite me, and i am gradually getting less and less afraid of them. i have a few small but interesting scars from the bites themselves. nothing too disfiguring. but like hannibal lecter once said, "our scars have the power to remind us that the past was real." and boy, is my past real-lol! i doubt i could forget if i wanted to, especially as i am writing this i am recalling the 4-inch (diameter) wolf spider who tried to take a bath with me 3 nights ago, and what looks to me to be one of his 'cousins' hanging around on the wall behind my computer watching me as i type at this very moment. ya gotta love serendipity....
|
|
|
| |
|
|
